Dedicating something like this is a pompous act, but this is a special occasion. Thus, I dedicate this rant to Professor Emeritus Tom Leykis and his tireless efforts to stem the tide of idiocy in this country brought about by "Doctor" Laura Schlessinger and her legions of fucktarded, turkey-necked followers. The fact her show continued while your show, nay, your whole station, was given the axe is proof of the kind of social injustice that got Marvin Gaye killed, and leaves Eddie Money alive, kicking, pumping out more mediocre albums, and having sex with ugly, inbred teenagers at county fairs. You probably hear this every day, but your presence, sir, is sorely missed.
I thought Mel Gibson was great, but this thing with Dr. Laura Schlessinger... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Whew... aaaaaaaah... nope... a-huh... A-HUH... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
...and all this time, I thought a white person saying that word simply wasn't funny. Ever. However, If I've learned nothing else about this life, it's that it throws you plenty of curveballs.
I bet Michael Richards is really, REALLY fucking happy right now. Within the span of a few short weeks, he's lookin' a lot better in the opinion polls. He's already able to shop in public again. [So look out, Bed, Bath & Beyond!] In a year or two - and with any luck, a couple more celebrity bigot meltdowns under our nation's collective belt - he might even get another TV show. So I guess the moral of the story there is - I BEG OF THE CELEBRITY COMMUNITY, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, UTTER THAT WORD!!! WE MUST STRIVE FOR MICHAEL RICHARDS-FREE AIRWAVES!!!
I bet Michael Richards is really, REALLY fucking happy right now. Within the span of a few short weeks, he's lookin' a lot better in the opinion polls. He's already able to shop in public again. [So look out, Bed, Bath & Beyond!] In a year or two - and with any luck, a couple more celebrity bigot meltdowns under our nation's collective belt - he might even get another TV show. So I guess the moral of the story there is - I BEG OF THE CELEBRITY COMMUNITY, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, UTTER THAT WORD!!! WE MUST STRIVE FOR MICHAEL RICHARDS-FREE AIRWAVES!!!
This might not make me the most popular person in the world, but you know what? I'm glad they said it!
Hear me out.
Hear me out.
I've really missed... that word... not for me, mind you. For a guy like me... you know, I'm OC... "Original Conqueror." For a guy like me, that is to say, a couple shades whiter than "Lily," it's the shortest distance between two points: my face, and black folks' fists. And I'm not about to try to bend the rules of the universe. I say - why shouldn't it be that way??? Black folks have had to endure steaming piles of bullshit being heaped on them, day after day, in history (wink, wink) in the name of "that's just the way it is." Don't you think it's about time SOMETHING worked that way for white folks???
I really don't know what happens in the caucasian brain to make some think that saying it is okay, but I have a theory: the more racially tolerant and understanding white people become, the more some of us feel feel we can use that word. Silly, right? As if using the slur was a way to say, "Hey! I'm so beyond racism that I consider myself kind of like a black person. Look! I own a Kangol! You can call me that!"
Well, sure they can! But it's kind of like dancing with a relative. Nothing's really "wrong" with it, but it just ain't the same. The few times I've been called that, I've kind of considered it a badge of honor. Yet I didn't think it was finally my pass to call anybody that.
What do you think, Gene Wilder?
"I've got a golden ticket..."
Thanks, Gene Wilder!
All I know is that I haven't heard... the word... in a Beastie Boys song. Same with Eminem. Think about it. Further, I'd bet good money that if, say, Justin Timberlake turned to one of his dancers and said, "nig..." he'd be clobbered before he could even get the "...ga please!" out of his mouth. I can imagine Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears saying it, though. One's a psychotic, substance abusing ridgerunner with no filter, and the other one's... a psychotic, substance abusing ridgerunner with no filter.
I blame phonecams, I really do. Well, and people like me who can't get enough of fucked up viral videos. It's not that I liked what he was doing with the word. Well, no I liked that... It's just, well, I've got a fucked up sense of humor. So I was hoping he'd just keep going, but not because he was mining comedic gold.
But it threw everyone into a crazy uproar. It was all over the news. Black people were furious about it. White people were even more furious about it. Or at least they faked it. Richards goes on Letterman, he blows Jesse Jackson... because everybody knows that if you REALLY fuck up, Al Sharpton gets to fuck you in the ass and give you a Tony Danza. The NAACP held a funeral for the word...
Now, a couple years later, the only people using the word are ghost-faced idiots - two of whom exceeded their relevancy expiration date with the turn of the century: an AM radio host, who isn't really a doctor; and a man who must have referred to Danny Glover's family as his "pride," or some shit. What can we do? Hold another funeral for it?
Okay, this time, we really mean it!
I don't think I've really explained why I say I'm "glad" that Mel Gibson and Dr. Laura are firmly entrenched in the "Bringing 'Nigger' Back" movement. It started with the Vietnam war, but I think it has to with baby boomer liberals' - usually white, baby boomer liberals - apparent belief that if they hold a couple protests, and get Richie Havens to show up, POOF!!! All social ills are cured, justice is restored, and the planet rotates on a smoother axis.
They figure one black president of the United States is proof of what they call, "Post-racial America." The pundits on Fox News alone are proof that Mr. Charlie isn't going to take this "minority insurrection" lying down. In other words, there's still much work to do. I don't give a French-fried fuck what you say, Moonbeam. It's going to take a lot more than singing Joan Baez tunes - but you could start by listening to Gil Scott Heron or something. He's from that time period!
Why do I say there's still much work to be done? Well, my favorite example occurred the day after the 2008 election. My dear friend, and occasional partner in crime, Simon Phoenix was in a Post Office when an older white person tapped him on the shoulder, and simply said, "Congratulations." Nice sentiment, Oldy Oldson, but just because the governmental wing of The United States of Advertising is being run by a black man doesn't mean that we're one nation under God yet. Sorry. Thanks for playing.
So in closing, I appeal to my black friends and readers:
I love you guys, more than I can ever capture in words. Both of you... ahem! Are you gonna let The Man take one MORE thing from you??? Bring it back! Use that word, and liberally. Fucking FLAUNT it. Now that I think about it, white people, you do it too! Because, to paraphrase Joseph Heller in Catch 22, there would be fewer wars if there were more bloody noses.
I really don't know what happens in the caucasian brain to make some think that saying it is okay, but I have a theory: the more racially tolerant and understanding white people become, the more some of us feel feel we can use that word. Silly, right? As if using the slur was a way to say, "Hey! I'm so beyond racism that I consider myself kind of like a black person. Look! I own a Kangol! You can call me that!"
Well, sure they can! But it's kind of like dancing with a relative. Nothing's really "wrong" with it, but it just ain't the same. The few times I've been called that, I've kind of considered it a badge of honor. Yet I didn't think it was finally my pass to call anybody that.
What do you think, Gene Wilder?
"I've got a golden ticket..."
Thanks, Gene Wilder!
All I know is that I haven't heard... the word... in a Beastie Boys song. Same with Eminem. Think about it. Further, I'd bet good money that if, say, Justin Timberlake turned to one of his dancers and said, "nig..." he'd be clobbered before he could even get the "...ga please!" out of his mouth. I can imagine Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears saying it, though. One's a psychotic, substance abusing ridgerunner with no filter, and the other one's... a psychotic, substance abusing ridgerunner with no filter.
I blame phonecams, I really do. Well, and people like me who can't get enough of fucked up viral videos. It's not that I liked what he was doing with the word. Well, no I liked that... It's just, well, I've got a fucked up sense of humor. So I was hoping he'd just keep going, but not because he was mining comedic gold.
But it threw everyone into a crazy uproar. It was all over the news. Black people were furious about it. White people were even more furious about it. Or at least they faked it. Richards goes on Letterman, he blows Jesse Jackson... because everybody knows that if you REALLY fuck up, Al Sharpton gets to fuck you in the ass and give you a Tony Danza. The NAACP held a funeral for the word...
Now, a couple years later, the only people using the word are ghost-faced idiots - two of whom exceeded their relevancy expiration date with the turn of the century: an AM radio host, who isn't really a doctor; and a man who must have referred to Danny Glover's family as his "pride," or some shit. What can we do? Hold another funeral for it?
Okay, this time, we really mean it!
I don't think I've really explained why I say I'm "glad" that Mel Gibson and Dr. Laura are firmly entrenched in the "Bringing 'Nigger' Back" movement. It started with the Vietnam war, but I think it has to with baby boomer liberals' - usually white, baby boomer liberals - apparent belief that if they hold a couple protests, and get Richie Havens to show up, POOF!!! All social ills are cured, justice is restored, and the planet rotates on a smoother axis.
They figure one black president of the United States is proof of what they call, "Post-racial America." The pundits on Fox News alone are proof that Mr. Charlie isn't going to take this "minority insurrection" lying down. In other words, there's still much work to do. I don't give a French-fried fuck what you say, Moonbeam. It's going to take a lot more than singing Joan Baez tunes - but you could start by listening to Gil Scott Heron or something. He's from that time period!
Why do I say there's still much work to be done? Well, my favorite example occurred the day after the 2008 election. My dear friend, and occasional partner in crime, Simon Phoenix was in a Post Office when an older white person tapped him on the shoulder, and simply said, "Congratulations." Nice sentiment, Oldy Oldson, but just because the governmental wing of The United States of Advertising is being run by a black man doesn't mean that we're one nation under God yet. Sorry. Thanks for playing.
So in closing, I appeal to my black friends and readers:
I love you guys, more than I can ever capture in words. Both of you... ahem! Are you gonna let The Man take one MORE thing from you??? Bring it back! Use that word, and liberally. Fucking FLAUNT it. Now that I think about it, white people, you do it too! Because, to paraphrase Joseph Heller in Catch 22, there would be fewer wars if there were more bloody noses.
