Madame Tussaud & Her House of Suck-Buggery [Notes on the exploitation of Mannequin Americans]

I don't really get wax museums. They're creepy. They've always seemed to do the exact opposite of what they're supposed to do. They don't evoke the warm memories of my favorite films. More often, as I wander through these Menageries of the Damned, I think shit like:

Does fuckin' anybody think It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World is funny?

And if so...

Will we dance on their bones when the Revolution comes? Or gnaw on their skulls?

and...

Who the fuck put Ernest Borgnine's head on Harpo Marx???

Further...

Did I say "Mad" too many times?

Through over three decades of my life, there were only two in Southern California. Only. Fuck. Only. Two is two many, if you ask me. In fact, my megalomaniacal dream for an Artistic Auschwitz in which all ventriloquists, mimes and magicians (except Penn & Teller) are locked up and gassed should really make some room for people who manufacture wax dummies, and the people who patronize the museums. But I digress... Only two.

Number one - the gold standard, if you will, was Movieland Wax Museum in Buena Park, down the street from Knott's Berry Farm. Just like Knott's Berry Farm. It sucked, and continues to suck. Just like Knott's, it's in Buena Park. And most of all, it's just like Knott's because it's where you take your friends who are new to SoCal (or the fucking country) to show them what American amusement parks used to be like. It is a sad and frightening place.

It was even worse in the 70's and 80's. For the longest time, they had a second building called, if my weed-addled memory is correct, The Palace of Living Art. [Do ya really call it an "annex" when the "main facility" has less entertainment value than a clown car? I'm grasping at straws when I call these unholy shitpiles "attractions."] Imagine all the crappy, backward art that your redneck relatives had on their walls, IN THREE FUCKING D!!!

The other craphole is only a memory now. The Hollywood Wax Museum. It was a big giant pile of suck with a roof on it. My strongest memory is trying to stifle belly-laughter as punks and cholos chucked their change at the table for The Last Supper - "It's not a wishing well, you fuck!" It bookended on one side by a shitty bar and on the other side, the Scientologists. You can't throw a rock without hitting one in this town.

[Not that I've actually tried throwing a rock in this town with anything BUT the intention of hitting a Scientologist...]

Wax dummies are a stupid art form. And a segment of the Tourist Trap industry that had no competition. But then Madame Tussaud rolled into town. Movieland didn't suffer, they're what you do when you realize spending every day of your Disney vacation might just drive you insane. Hollywood Wax Museum - not so lucky. Did she not know the French are unwelcome here??? Almost sounds like a Sherlock Holmes villain:

Tussaud!!!!

So naturally, I had to go. It was kismet. It's awful and sick, and my sense of humor is similarly awful and sick. And also, it is a multi-million dollar monument, nay proof of, on of my most powerful beliefs about this life: God hates cinema.

                                       

Point #1 - biggest point. $25. Apiece. That's right - $25. $50 to look at wax fucking dummies of celebrities.

I can't really call our first dummy a celebrity. You can't really call him a dummy either. A "Mannequin American," if you will. Barrack Obama. I mean, I voted for the guy. But really??? I couldn't even take my own picture. The register monkey at the door had to do it. I shouldn't gripe about the guy - he was just following orders. After all, a lot of people may really want to buy that shit later. The $17 dollar price-tag is totally worth it. The frame is made from the finest cardboard, made from the loving hands of 9 year-old Sri Lankan refugee children. Nothing but the best best for the American Auto Association Silver Level membership people!

When you go up the Red Carpet - i.e. the red stairs that lead to the elevators - you are first accosted by the Joan Rivers dummy. If you count the ill-fated Superstar Limousine at Disney's California Adventure, it's Joan Rivers' second appearance in a SoCal tourist attraction. Perhaps the point was to make you feel sorry for celebrities. That's what I took away from the experience. The only reason I knew it wasn't the real Joan Rivers is that she didn't look like the Joan Rivers Mummy, she looked like Joan Rivers... Aw fuck. She's kind of always looked like a goddam wax dummy, hasn't she?

Ordinarily, I could give two-tenths of a shit whether or not I offend someone, but I feel compelled to issue a disclamer here: I've got no gripe with people who don't speak English. Frankly, it's a stupid language and a fucking bitch and a half to learn. And I have no gripe with people from other countries. What I hate is tourists - and you know there's a difference between somebody who coincidentally "ain't frum here," and doesn't speak English and somebody WHO WOULD BE THE SAME SLACK-JAWED FUCKTARD IF HE GREW UP AROUND THE GODDAM CORNER FROM YOU!!!

"No. Please go ahead. We take a lot of pictures."

"Oh, no. No. It's ok."

AND...

Smile, nod, stand at (what you think is) the periphery of our picture and continue to eye the elevator as if you were incontinent and there was a fucking urinal in there. That's smart. See the reason that the two of us are STANDING HERE WITH PRO-GRADE CAMERAS AND TAKING SEVERAL PICTURES OF A JOAN RIVERS DUMM... MANNEQUIN AMERICAN IS BECAUSE WE'RE EXPECTING HER TO MOVE ANY OL' TIME NOW!!! WIPE THOSE STUPID SMILES OFF YOUR MORONIC FACES, COLLECT YOUR WATERHEADED CHILD AND GET THE FUCK ON THAT ELEVATOR!!! DIDN'T YOU HEAR THE MAN?! YOU'VE GOT A BONAFIDE HOLLYWOOD PARTY TO GO TO!!! PEOPLE WON'T BAT A FUCKING EYELASH IF I'M LATE - IT'S PRACTICALLY EXPECTED OF ME - BUT FOR YOU GUYS, IT'S BAD FORM!!!! GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!!!!!!

*sob*

Just go... go... please? You're hurting me...

I have it on good authority that the elevator in Leonardo DiCaprio's home is just like this.

Onto the elevators - very immersive. Sort of. I mean, more pictures of celebrities on the walls of the elevator. A typical announcer voice (manufactured by the announcerbot 1550) drones on about living the movies in a thinly veiled attempt at immersing you in an authentic Hollywood atmosphere.

[Why God? Why? If I'm living a movie, can't that movie be a porno???]

Wow! Somebody sure hates French people!!!

So, just like real Corey Haim, you start at the top, and work your way down. Too soon?

Announcerbot: And now, you're the guest of honor at your very own Hollywood party!!!

And the doors swing open. Well, I mean you know, open like elevator doors. But there was an air pressure differential that simulated a Woosh. And just like a real party, George Clooney was sitting in the corner alone, strategically positioned near the elevator, should he have to beat a hasty retreat.

Question: If this is "my Hollywood party", then how come Beyonce's performing?

Shit - Jay-Z has really let himself go...

Actually, it was a lot like many of the "Hollywood" parties I've been to - packed to capacity with fake people who have nothing to say, and gawkers. Ba-dum-bum!!!

I felt a little uncomfortable being in the same room as The Pitt/Jolie's especially because somebody apparently neglected to tell them that Jennifer Anniston was coming too. Who's hosting this fiasco?

"What are you looking at, cunt?"

"Nuthin'!"

Far be it from me to come to the defense of a maudlin, terrible actress who has contributed nothing to the culture but tabloid bullshit drama and an endless shitstream of RomComs that seem like their only purpose on the planet is to destroy the careers of British leading men... where was I? Oh yeah, I'm usually the last guy to talk about "bad taste" but the placement of the Brangelina/Anniston dum... Mannequin Americans was at the very least a little fucked up.

But what was more fucked up was the placement of Zac Effron and Michael Jackson. I personally thought MacCauly Caulkin or Haley Joel Osment would have been a better choice, but those fuckers couldn't open an envelope these days.

"What's your name, sweet meat? Shake it, but don't break it!"

It's not enough that The King of Poo-Pushing's death set off a wave of nostalgia in half my friends, now I gotta look at it.

"I've seen High School Musical 3 over a hundred times."

"I don't understand. What do you mean I could be the next Corey Feldman?"

Just a couple more snarks before we move on to the next circle of Hell.

                             

Some "up close" experience. You can stand next to them, you can even put your hands on their butts, but try to make out with them and all the sudden secturity has to get involved.

                                                          

Look, ma! No Jews!

The second floor (which is really the third, but remember, you're on a Dante-esque trip downward through the 4 circles of Showbiz Hell) is dedicated to "Classic" Hollywood. I do kind of have to admit that it this floor wasn't so bad.

 

Don't cast aspersions - Woody Goldberg plays really well in the sticks. Just like Leno.

If nothing else, Whoever threw all that wax together made a pretty fair assessment of what a classic was. It's either that, or this idea that I know, and have good taste in, film is complete and utter bullshit. Hm. Maybe a little from column A and a little from column B.

Jimmy Stewart (left). Harvey the Rabbit (Right)

My favorite exhibit, piece, fuckever... was the Charlton Heston Mannequin American.

Just call me Moses, nancy-boy!

You're the boss, Charlton Heston! Just don't shoot me!

Note: this piece is not on the same floor as Mel Gibson

Ol'd Chuck-ster's... I mean, Moseseseses(?) presence was made all the better by a film loop of the parting of the Red Sea. [OK - time for th real film geek to come out: I think the footage they were using was from the silent version of the film. I want to say Cecil B. DeMille directed it...] As soon as the linoleum got to "full part" I ran across. and then the Johhn Grant Mannequin American gave me a plaque, declaring me Jew for a day.

Between you and me - that ain't wax work! It's taxidermy!!!

I went back up to the party.

"Shove this in your Jew hating pipe and smoke it, ya racist asshole!"

"Sir, you're disturbing the tourists. There's one family in particular that pantomimed to me that you wouldn't let them get on the elevator."

I'm always taken a little aback when people treat religious movies like fucking documentaries; and the people who star in them as if they were whatever religious character they portrayed. Well, except Willem Dafoe. David "Don't call me Pilate" Bowie, however, has yet to live The Last Temptation of Christ down. Poor guy. I wonder how he sleeps at night.

Well. And on a big bed of money!

You shut up, Charlton Heston. You had your say!

It is also on the second floor where I had a great idea. I mean, only like the best idea EVER!!! LESBIAN FETISH PICTURES OF CLASSIC MOVIE ACTRESSES STARRING "THE EX"!!! The big selling point to this shithole is that you're supposed to be able to get up close and personal with the stars, right? Too bad it was a cold day. Anyway...

Everybody's gotta have something to wack-off too. Even film geeks. At least I never asked her to dress up as Princess Leia in a slave-girl costume!!! 

Another thing that struck me, as I made my way through "The Classics," - if the mannequins aren't in some specific scene from a movie, their arrangement on the floor was so fucking random. You'd have Sylvester Stallone in whatever the fuck nebulous Rocky sequel next to Woody Goldberg in Sister Act (nothin' like the classics, folks!) across from Billy Shatner in Star Trek. Coincidentally, you could actually lift Shatner's rug off of his head - just like in real life!

You know, Woody Goldberg is just as funny as a mannequin as she is in the movies. Maybe funnier!

I have a bizarre "tradition" of "meeting" celebrities on my birthday. When I turned 38, I was accidentally hit in the chest by Dustin Hoffman in one of the galleries at LACMA. Even on the day we went to Tussaud's, we bumped into, literally, William H. Macy at one of the bars in the Roosevelt. But I shall always remember the time I met Nicolas Cage. I thought the mannequin looked a little too real, so I went in for a closer look... 

Nic Cage in, um... well... um... every movie he's ever been in?

"Ya know, they can say what they like about The Wicker Man and Ghost Rider, but the guy has an Oscar and he was awesome in that Bad Lieutenant remake."

"Well, thanks a lot, there, pard'ner. That means a lot."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!! WHAT THE FUCK????????"

"Sorry, there, man. Didn't mean to spook ya. I just like to come down here and stand real still and see what the people have to say. I could give a damn what the critics say."

"Obviously."

"Huh?"

"Never mind. You take care of yourself, Nicolas Cage."

"Call me Fu Manchu! Check out Jim Carrey over there, he's havin' a great time!"

And he was right! Jim Carrey in... um... a movie... where he's, um... being wacky. Just look at him. Whatever the hell Steven Spielberg just said to Robyn Williams must have been hysterical!

No comment.

I guess the intent here was to - instead of evoke memories of your favorite movies, or simulate a Hollywood party with "Big Players" - show you how cool it is to be on a movie set with cut-ups and auteurs. This, to me, was the equivalent of the "movie about making movies" genre. But in wax. That's what we needed. You know what? Throw in a couple Teamsters standing next to a Craft Services table - and no wax food! I want real bagels and Doritos! And get me a fuckin' Perrier!!!

Yeah - Very wierd floor.

I call the third floor (actually the second floor - remember, we're on a Lindsay Lohan trajectory, here!) Testosterone Alley because it was where they shoved all the athletes and action heroes.

Ever since "Pussygate," Lance has one more ball than Tiger

I mean, FUCK!!! I don't know what to snark anymore. I mean, it's the same fucking shit floor to floor. Randomly arranged figures whose only affect on me at this point is making me want to go home and watch a Fellini to purge my fucking soul. Let's see. Yadda, yadda. There's everyone on this floor from Daniel Craig to the only two reasons to watch any of that awful Fantastic Four movie - and they were on Jessica Alba's chest! [Hey-yo!!! Up top!!!] Oh yeah - That Huge Assfreak Bruce Willis was there too. I guess he was in a Die Hard or something. Fuck if I know, I was getting weary and there was still one more floor and the customary "trap 'em on the way out" gift shop to traverse.

"Hi baby. I know this would be creepy from another guy, but I'm famous. Let me ask you something..."

I guess I can say a little about the window displays here because that's all you can see from the street. Or the bar in the front of the Roosevelt. I've seen a lot of them from that bar... My main point, IF YOU'RE EVEN ENTERTAINING THE IDEA OF GOING TO MADAME TUSSAUD'S I WANT YOU TO GO TO THAT BAR, GET A WINDOW TABLE AND OGGLE THE DUMMIES FROM THERE!!! I FUCKING ASSURE YOU - THAT REALLY, REALLY IS ALL YOU NEED!!! SEE, AT THE ROOSEVELT, YOU HAVE A PRETTY GODDAM GOOD CHANCE OF RUNNING INTO AN ACTUAL STAR - AND STEPPING ON THEIR FOOT!!! AND THERE'S ALCOHOL!!!

Speaking of feet, the most useful part of the trip - I know have a pic of the Asics Tiger Onitsuka's I want.

Thank God, last circle of hell. Now part of it is the whole "Behind the Scenes" thing. Somebody in that organization really has a thing for Beyonce Knowles. I was reminded of a wax "sculpture" [HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! A-HUH!!! A-HUH!!! AAAAAAH - HAHAHAHAHA!!!"]

in the aforementioned Palace of Living Art which captured DaVinci painting the Mona Lisa, with the model posing.

Ye Gods! Where does reality end, and the fantasy begin???

Boy I'm glad I don't do hallucinogens when I do that kind of shit anymore. Just bad news in these situations.

Now, we've been across a broad pastiche, if you will, of (what people from "not here" think are) Hollywood experiences. But there's one more room between the "making of" bit and the gift shop. Think for a second. Doesn't it appear that I've left something out?

Time's up. Awards Night. Which award? Fuck if I know. Think those fuckers on the top floor were A-List? Now we're talking about those people who make imp-hor-tahnt films about seer-yus iss-ee-ewes. Morgan Freeman (the Easy Reader from The Electric Company) was there, looking solemn and contemplative. Halle Berry (star of Catwoman) was in a floor length gown, in order to hide that anomalous sixth toe. It was a very important occasion: it was the first time that two African Mannequin Americans were on the same floor in a wax museum.

"My next film will be about a mentally challenged Civil War soldier..."

I have a dream!

Jack Nicholson was there, in the middle of two empty seats, so you could take a picture that made it look like he was talking to you during the Oscars. But I had a good time thinking that those seats were empty, and he was just trying to make the cast of Precious uncomfortable.

"I'm just here to bag a good lookin' seat holder."

Tom Hanks was there with one of his haircuts, but oddly, no Rita Wilson. I wonder what Rita did to piss off Madame Tussaud. Maybe she didn't like Volunteers. I know I fucking hated it. Where was I?

Mary Hart was there, too. And a British tourist had a heart-attack at the very sight of her.

But we were getting weary of the excitement, and our buzzes were beginning to wear off. So before we left, I felt something need to be said. And fortunately, there was a podium right there. Yeah, that's right... podium. And I knew it was time for me to bore them, as they'd so often bored me, with a sanctimonious line of claptrap:

"Don't look at my face! Don't look at my feet, either! OH! Just look over there, ok?"

Thank you Miss Berry. And I don't care what they say about your toe, or the fact that you won't let your staff look directly in the eye, or that they can't address you until you address them, and that, while drunk and loaded on pharms you smashed your Mercedes through the front of a Hollywood liquor store and...

Where was I? Oh yeah!

In the immortal words of a very loaded John Wayne - "This is so unimportant."

Thank you, and goodnight!!!

On our way out, of course, our Barack Obama pics was there, suitable for framing.

I felt really bad for the guy behind the counter. I mean, we all gotta make a buck and you never know a person's story. But he had about 15-20 years on me, and he's still gotta squeeze me to buy that picture, and maybe some Marilyn Monroe or James Dean postcards.

You want a "real Hollywood experience"? Ask that guy what wrong path he turned down that he ended up as a till-clown in a shitty tourist attraction. It was probably that he was a writer/comedian and was just about to hit in his 40's when... Whatever story it is, that, my friends, is showbiz.