You've got to be 'ducken kidding me

The Bald Eagle is so... oh, I don't know... so last millenium. [Plus, Eagles look really delicious, and there's far too little of them. Mmmmm... Kentucky Fried Eagle...] We should change the National Bird to the Turducken. There's no greater symbolism of Capitalism and yankee-bullshit gone awry than a big fuckin' bird stuffed with the corpses of two smaller birds. It's perhaps the best symbol of over consumption ever conceived.

For those who might not know what a Turducken is - well, bless you, for starters. It sounds like a put-on at first. It's kind of like a Russian doll of fowlmeats. It is a turkey, stuffed with a duck, which is stuffed with a chicken. The chicken is stuffed too - with anything from pork sausage to fuckin' jambalaya, and all points in between. Apparently, the results are Capitalicious.

To me, it sounds fucking disgusting. But then again, so does a solid majority of Carl's Jr.'s burger menu. It demonstrates a serious lack of imagination when the only thing left to make meat even worse for you (i.e. more appealing to the over-bloated American foodhole) is MORE FUCKING MEAT!!!

It's apparently a Southern creation. You know, the land that time - and modern dentistry - forgot where values are simple, folks ain't queer, and your cousin is the prettiest gal on your cultist ranch. Only in a place where the collective tastebuds of the populace are so deadened from chewing tabacky and shitty beer can something like this exist. It provides vital proteins and tryptophan, which are essential because you've got a busy day of beating the shit out of your wife and watching NASCAR ahead of you.

WHO IN THE HOLY FUCK DOES THIS SOUND APPETIZING TO???

If, as Dubya asserted, the terrorists hate us because of our freedom, the Turducken might be proof that some of their hate might be justified. If I were living in a country where people barely have a pot to piss in, and I got wind of it, I'd bomb something too. As Marie Antoinette learned the hard way, the proletariat will only stand for that kind of inequality for so long. We live in a world that is simultaneously smaller and bigger than that one - so from a certain perspective, "terrorism" might just be a peasant upris...

Sorry - sometimes that happens.

The bottom line is that well... shit... please... for the love of whatever deity you bow to: CAN SOMEBODY EXPLAIN THIS TO ME??? I thought my ex's parents were from Mars or some shit because they had turkey AND ham for Thanksgiving.

Not everyone likes turkey, I've heard repeatedly.

My nuclear family, while I was a kid, hovered between damn near abject poverty, and vulgar wealth. No fucking shit. It would just kind of depend on... well, that doesn't really fuckin' matter. What DOES matter is whether or not we preferred turkey at a family holiday. I mean it matters to the rant, here, in that it didn't matter what the fuckever you preferred, you were eating turkey. Or in my case, I loved turkey, but hated ham. Nothing like a big rubber loaf with a healthy dose of salt to make you laugh in the face of death. Now that I think about it, Christmas ham must have been a way to telegraph to Jewish people that the holiday isn't for them. Crazy Gentiles!

I long for the early days of this millenium when a "to-go plate" was literally a plate. Now, my relatives go to fucking Smart & Final to get boxes I usually get at Canter's because nobody in their right fucking mind could eat that much fucking foo...

I'd hate to think what the plate from a Turducken-oriented household would look like. One thing I know - no vegetables. Just a big goddam pile of fetid meat - that's one plate; another plate of stuffing; and one and a half pumpkin pies. That's how we roll in this country. Nothing like celebrating the "little" things you've got by eating an amount of food that would make Henry VIII go, "Seriously, back away from the fork."

And seriously, it really is one of those, "only in America things," right? Can you tell me anywhere else on the globe -- well, besides Scotland -- where something like the Turducken ISN'T something you'd liken to the Jackalope? AND THEN SOMEBODY NOT ONLY FUCKING CROSSES THE FRANKENSTEIN EVENT HORIZON, BUT ACTUALLY FUCKING EATS IT???

Just on the basis of conceptualizing it, my colon has seized, and I've had a minor heart attack.

Somewhere, in Middle America, a man with a Turducken-polluted digestive system is thinking to himself: Yuh know, yuh could fit a cornish game hen inside that thar chicken...

Hail Chairman Mao.